Joke Thread!

[Psychoholic]

One day a fourth-grade teacher asked the children what their
mothers did for a living.

All the typical answers came up -- teacher, nurse,
businesswoman, saleswoman, doctor, lawyer, and so forth.

However, little Justin was being uncharacteristically quiet, so
when the teacher prodded him about his mother, he replied,

"Well my mother's an exotic dancer in a cabaret and takes off
all her clothes in front of men and they put money in her underwear.
Sometimes, if the offer is really good, she will go home with some guy
and stay with him all night for money."

The teacher, obviously shaken by this statement, hurriedly set
the other children to work on some exercises and then took little Justin
aside to ask him, "Is that really true about your mother?"
No," the boy said, "She works for the Democratic National
Committee and is helping to get Hillary Clinton to be our next
President, but I was too embarrassed to say that in front of the other
kids."

[Psychoholic]

Bud and Jim were a couple of drinking buddies who worked as Aircraft mechanics in Wichita.

One day the airport was fogged in and they were stuck in the hangar with nothing to do.

Bud said, "Man, I wish we had something to drink!"

Jim says, "Me too. Y'know, I've heard you can drink jet fuel and get buzz. You wanna try it?"

So they poured themselves a couple of glasses of high octane hooch and got completely smashed.

The next morning Bud wakes up and is surprised at how good he feels. In fact he feels GREAT! NO hangover! NO bad side effects. Nothing!

Then the phone rings. It's Jim. Jim says, "Hey, how do you feel this morning?" Bud says, "I feel great. How about you?"

Jim says, "I feel great, too. You don't have a hangover?"

Bud says , "No that jet fuel is great stuff – no hangover, nothing We ought to do this more often."

"Yeah, well there's just one thing."

"What's that?"

"Have you farted yet?"

"No "

"Well, DON'T, 'cause I'm in Denver."

[Psychoholic]

An engineer was crossing a road one day, when a frog called out to him and said, "If you kiss me, I'll turn into a beautiful princess."

He bent over, picked up the frog and put it in his pocket.

The frog spoke up again and said, "If you kiss me and turn me back into a beautiful princess, I will stay with you for one week."

The engineer took the frog out of his pocket, smiled at it and returned it to the pocket.

The frog then cried out, "If you kiss me and turn me back into a Princess, I'll stay with you for one week and do ANYTHING you want."

Again, the engineer took the frog out, smiled at it and put it back into his pocket.

Finally, the frog asked, "What is the matter? I've told you I'm a beautiful princess and that I'll stay with you for one week and do anything you want. Why won't you kiss me?"

The engineer said, "Look, I'm an engineer. I don't have time for a girlfriend, but a talking frog, now that's cool."

[Psychoholic]

A woman in a hot air balloon realized she was lost. She lowered her altitude and spotted a man in a boat below. She shouted to him, 'Excuse me, can you help me? I promised a friend I would meet him an hour ago, but I don't know where I am.'

The man consulted his portable GPS and replied, 'You're in a hot air
balloon, approximately 30 feet above a ground elevation of 2346 feet above sea level. You are at 31 degrees, 14.97 minutes north latitude and 100 degrees, 49.09 minutes west longitude.'

She rolled her eyes and said, 'You must be a Republican.'

'I am,' replied the man. 'How did you know?'

'Well,' answered the balloonist, 'everything you told me is technically correct, but I have no idea what to do with your information, and I'm still
lost. Frankly, you've not been much help to me.'

The man smiled and responded, 'You must be a Democrat.'

'I am,' replied the balloonist. 'How did you know?'

'Well,' said the man, 'you don't know where you are or where you are going. You've risen to where you are, due to a large quantity of hot air. You made a promise that you have no idea how to keep, and you expect me to solve your problem. You're in exactly the same position you were in before we met, but,
somehow, now it's my fault.'

[Psychoholic]

A big city lawyer went duck hunting in rural
Tennessee.

He shot and dropped a bird, but it fell into a
farmer's field on the other side of a fence.

As the lawyer climbed over the fence, an elderly
farmer drove up on his tractor and asked him what he
was doing.

The litigator responded, 'I shot a duck and it fell
onto this field, and now I'm going to retrieve it.'

The old farmer replied, 'This is my property, and you
are not coming over here.'

The indignant lawyer said, 'I am one of the best trial
attorneys in the United States and if you don't let me
get that duck, I'll sue you and take everything you
own.'

The old farmer smiled and said, 'Apparently, you
don't know how we settle disputes in Tennessee . We
settle small disagreements with the 'Three Kick
Rule.''

The lawyer asked, 'What is the 'Three Kick Rule?'

The Farmer replied, 'Well, because the dispute occurs
on my land , I get to go first.'

'I kick you three times and then you kick me three
times and so on back and forth until someone gives
up.'

The attorney quickly thought about the proposed
contest and decided that he could easily take the old
codger. He agreed to abide by the local custom.

The old farmer slowly climbed down from the tractor
and walked up to the attorney.

His first kick planted the toe of his heavy steel toed
work boot into the lawyer's groin and dropped him to
his knees.

His second kick to the midriff sent the lawyer's last
meal gushing from his mouth.

The lawyer was on all fours when the farmer's third
kick to his rear end sent him face-first into a fresh
cow pie.

The lawyer summoned every bit of his will and managed
to get to his feet.
Wiping his face with the arm of his jacket, he said,
'Okay, you old fart. Now it's my turn.'

The old farmer smiled and said , 'Naaw, I give up. You
can have the duck.'

[LMS]

A man and a woman meet in an elevator. "Where are you heading today?" the man asks.

"I'm going down to give blood."

"How much do you get paid for giving blood?"

"About $20."

"Wow," says the man, "I'm going up to donate sperm, and the sperm bank pays $100." The woman angrily gets off the elevator.

The next day, the man and woman meet in the elevator again.

"Fancy meeting you again. Where you off to today?"

"Sperm bank," she says with her mouth full.

[LMS]

A guy walks into a bar with an alligator. It's about 10 feet long. The bartender flips out and says, "Hey buddy, you gotta get that son of a bitch outta here. It's going to bite one of my customers and I'm going to get sued."

The guy says, "No no no, it's a tame alligator. I'll prove it to you."

He picks up the alligator and puts it on the bar. Then he unzips his pants, pulls out his package and sticks it in the alligator's mouth. The alligator just keeps his mouth open. After about 5 minutes, he pulls it out of the alligator's mouth and zips up his pants and says, "See, I told you it was a tame alligator. Anybody else want to try it?"

The drunk down at the end of the bar says, "Yah, I'd like to try it but I don't think I can hold my mouth open that long!"

[Psychoholic]

TOOLS EXPLAINED

DRILL PRESS :
A tall upright machine useful for s uddenly snatching flat metal bar stock out of your hands so that it smacks you in the chest and flings your beer across the room, denting the freshly-painted project which you had carefully set in the corner where nothing could get to it.
WIRE WHEEL :
Cleans paint off bolts and then throws them somewhere under the workbench with the speed of light. Also removes fingerprints and hard-earned calluses from fingers in about the time it takes you to say, 'Oh sh --'

SKIL SAW :
A portable cutting tool used to make studs too short.

PLIERS :
Used to round off bolt heads. Sometimes used in the creation of blood-blisters.

BELT SANDER :
An electric sanding tool commonly used to convert minor touch-up jobs into major refinishing jobs.

HACKSAW :
One of a family of cutting tools built on the Ouija board principle... It transforms human energy into a crooked, unpredictable motion, and the more you attempt to influence its course, the more dismal your future becomes.

VISE-GRIPS :
Generally used after pliers to completely round off bolt heads. If nothing else is available, they can also be used to transfer intense welding heat to the palm of your hand.

OXYACETYLENE TORCH :
Used almost entirely for lighting various flammable objects in your shop on fire. Also handy for igniting the grease inside the wheel hub out of which you want to remove a bearing race..

TABLE SAW :
A large stationary power tool commonly used to launch wood projectiles for testing wall integrity.



HYDRAULIC FLOOR JACK :
Used for lowering an automobile to the ground after you have installed your new brake shoes, trapping the jack handle firmly under the bumper.

BAND SAW :
A large stationary power saw primarily used by most shops to cut good aluminum sheet into smaller pieces that more easily fit into the trash can after you cut on the inside of the line instead of the outside edge.

TWO-TON ENGINE HOIST :
A tool for testing the maximum tensile strength of everything you forgot to disconnect.

PHILLIPS SCREWDRIVER :
Normally used to stab the vacuum seals under lids or for opening old-style paper-and-tin oil cans and splashing oil on your shirt; but can also be used, as the name
implies, to strip out Phillips screw heads.



STRAIGHT SCREWDRIVER :
A tool for opening paint cans. Sometimes used to convert common slotted screws into non-removable screws and butchering your palms.

PRY BAR :
A tool used to crumple the metal surrounding that clip or bracket you needed to remove in order to replace a 50 cent part.

HOSE CUTTER :
A tool used to make hoses too short.

HAMMER :
Originally employed as a weapon of war, the hammer nowadays is used as a kind of divining rod to locate the most expensive parts adjacent the object we are trying to hit.

UTILITY KNIFE :
Used to open and slice through the contents of cardboard cartons delivered to your front door; works particularly well on contents such as seats, vinyl records, liquids in plastic bottles, collector magazines, refund checks, and rubber or plastic parts. Especially useful for slicing work clothes, but only while in use.


Son of a b*tch TOOL :
Any handy tool that you grab and throw across the garage while yelling 'Son of a b*tch' at the top of your lungs. It is also, most often, the next tool that you will need.