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The 1st part is a girl's apology email for cheating.
2nd part is his HILARIOUS response which was forwarded to his entire address book and is now circulating everywhere?
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Brad,
It would be difficult for me to be any more miserable
right now, I feel like the worst person ever. First,
let me start by saying that I am truly truly sorry,
and I hate myself for hurting you. Of all the people
in the whole entire world, you were honestly the last
person that I would ever want to wrong in any way.
There is no excuse at all or anything that happened,
so I won't even try other than to say all of us had
WAY too much to drink, and I did a stupid thing. I can
handle you being pissed at me, I absolutely deserve
it, I can even handle the ugly words that were
exchanged between us, what I can't handle is thinking
that you see me as a different person.
It is weird, I feel like I just went through a
horrible break up or something. The world looked funny
yesterday, I couldn't crack a smile if you paid me,
there are songs I can't listen to, and I just feel
beyond crushed. I don't know if you meant everything
you said to me, and I am hoping that you didn't. I
know that I was wrong on many levels, but I am also
hoping that this is something that we can deal with. I
know it sounds totally crazy and stupid, but you have
come to play such a significant role in my life, I
can't imagine my days without you.
It is totally strange and weird to say that, and you
could say that my behavior didn't reflect that, and
you would be correct. I hate feeling like you hate me,
and I hate feeling like all of your friends think I am
a terrible person, because I am not. I know there is
nothing I can Say or do to take back what happened,
but I just want you to know that fighting with you was
just about the worst thing I could have ever imagined.
It was right up there with one of the ugliest nights
of my life, and I would give anything in the world to
rewind and fix it. I am not sure if you will respond
to this, part of me thinks that you won't. If not
today, then maybe some other time.
Also, thanks for getting my stuff together, although I
think my sunglasses are still at your house, if you
could keep your eyes peeled for them that would be
great. I can't even focus or work today, I can't eat,
I seriously feel like it was an ugly break up, and I
am hoping against hopes that it was not that and you
are not done with me. Please don't cut me off, I
really don't think I can handle that.
I am so sorry.
Elizabeth
------------------------------------
RESPONSE:
Dear Elizabeth,
Thank you for your concern. I'll be sure to file it
away under "L" for "Long-winded diatribes from drunken
whores I couldn't care less about".
You did a stupid thing huh? No...doing long division
and forgetting to carry the one is "a stupid thing";
Mixing in a red sock with a load of whites is "a
stupid thing"; Blowing some guy in a bathroom for
45minutes while I sit at the bar wondering if you're
taking so long because you ate too much bran that
morning isn't as much a "Stupid thing" as it is
grounds for permanent removal from my social calendar.
To be honest, I'm not sure if it was more amusing that
you went and degraded yourself in a public toilet not
once but twice in a 2 hour span, or that you seemed to
think that by saying "Well, I didn't F**k him" somehow
gave you a clean slate. So forgive me if I couldn't
care less if the world "looked funny" to you
yesterday. Since your world revolves around blow
dryers, golden retrievers, Prada Bags and Jelly Beans,
I'm sure it must have been most unsettling to actually
have to consider someone else's feelings for 24 hours
straight. The good news for you is that my friends
don't think you're a terrible person, they just think
you're the average run of the mill cum-guzzling blonde
who commands about as much respect as your average
child porn collector.
I could be wrong but, it's pretty hard to respect some
B&T chick who comes out to spend the night at my place
even though she's seeing someone else in New jersey
and winds up tongue-bathing the taint of anyone who
decides 30 minutes of droning commentary on Colin
Farrell's new haircut is worth putting up with for a
hand job in the men's room. The good thing about being
a guy is that when I eventually bump into the young
lad who finger-blasted you on top of a towel dispenser
last saturday, we'll have a shot and laugh our heads
off about the time it happened.
By the way, for the amount of time you claim to spend
in spin class you really must be doing something wrong
to sport the thunder thighs you do. Watching you
parade around my bedroom in a thong was a little like
watching sea lions mate. Thought you might like to
know.
PS. I forwarded about 100 people on this email.
Talk to you never,
Brad
2nd part is his HILARIOUS response which was forwarded to his entire address book and is now circulating everywhere?
------------------------------------
Brad,
It would be difficult for me to be any more miserable
right now, I feel like the worst person ever. First,
let me start by saying that I am truly truly sorry,
and I hate myself for hurting you. Of all the people
in the whole entire world, you were honestly the last
person that I would ever want to wrong in any way.
There is no excuse at all or anything that happened,
so I won't even try other than to say all of us had
WAY too much to drink, and I did a stupid thing. I can
handle you being pissed at me, I absolutely deserve
it, I can even handle the ugly words that were
exchanged between us, what I can't handle is thinking
that you see me as a different person.
It is weird, I feel like I just went through a
horrible break up or something. The world looked funny
yesterday, I couldn't crack a smile if you paid me,
there are songs I can't listen to, and I just feel
beyond crushed. I don't know if you meant everything
you said to me, and I am hoping that you didn't. I
know that I was wrong on many levels, but I am also
hoping that this is something that we can deal with. I
know it sounds totally crazy and stupid, but you have
come to play such a significant role in my life, I
can't imagine my days without you.
It is totally strange and weird to say that, and you
could say that my behavior didn't reflect that, and
you would be correct. I hate feeling like you hate me,
and I hate feeling like all of your friends think I am
a terrible person, because I am not. I know there is
nothing I can Say or do to take back what happened,
but I just want you to know that fighting with you was
just about the worst thing I could have ever imagined.
It was right up there with one of the ugliest nights
of my life, and I would give anything in the world to
rewind and fix it. I am not sure if you will respond
to this, part of me thinks that you won't. If not
today, then maybe some other time.
Also, thanks for getting my stuff together, although I
think my sunglasses are still at your house, if you
could keep your eyes peeled for them that would be
great. I can't even focus or work today, I can't eat,
I seriously feel like it was an ugly break up, and I
am hoping against hopes that it was not that and you
are not done with me. Please don't cut me off, I
really don't think I can handle that.
I am so sorry.
Elizabeth
------------------------------------
RESPONSE:
Dear Elizabeth,
Thank you for your concern. I'll be sure to file it
away under "L" for "Long-winded diatribes from drunken
whores I couldn't care less about".
You did a stupid thing huh? No...doing long division
and forgetting to carry the one is "a stupid thing";
Mixing in a red sock with a load of whites is "a
stupid thing"; Blowing some guy in a bathroom for
45minutes while I sit at the bar wondering if you're
taking so long because you ate too much bran that
morning isn't as much a "Stupid thing" as it is
grounds for permanent removal from my social calendar.
To be honest, I'm not sure if it was more amusing that
you went and degraded yourself in a public toilet not
once but twice in a 2 hour span, or that you seemed to
think that by saying "Well, I didn't F**k him" somehow
gave you a clean slate. So forgive me if I couldn't
care less if the world "looked funny" to you
yesterday. Since your world revolves around blow
dryers, golden retrievers, Prada Bags and Jelly Beans,
I'm sure it must have been most unsettling to actually
have to consider someone else's feelings for 24 hours
straight. The good news for you is that my friends
don't think you're a terrible person, they just think
you're the average run of the mill cum-guzzling blonde
who commands about as much respect as your average
child porn collector.
I could be wrong but, it's pretty hard to respect some
B&T chick who comes out to spend the night at my place
even though she's seeing someone else in New jersey
and winds up tongue-bathing the taint of anyone who
decides 30 minutes of droning commentary on Colin
Farrell's new haircut is worth putting up with for a
hand job in the men's room. The good thing about being
a guy is that when I eventually bump into the young
lad who finger-blasted you on top of a towel dispenser
last saturday, we'll have a shot and laugh our heads
off about the time it happened.
By the way, for the amount of time you claim to spend
in spin class you really must be doing something wrong
to sport the thunder thighs you do. Watching you
parade around my bedroom in a thong was a little like
watching sea lions mate. Thought you might like to
know.
PS. I forwarded about 100 people on this email.
Talk to you never,
Brad
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