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A blog stolen from a friend.....I'm voting for him in the election.
Good afternoon, mortals.
I come before you today with heavy heart, and malice of forethought. Consider this your invitation for a better country, a better lifestyle, and a better way of expressing yourself through the written word, which I hold as sacred as a loving parent holds their new-born infant to the newly-revealed earth.
Let's get things nice and sparkling clear. Your butchering of the English language is vile. I have never asked (nor would I hold you to such high standards) to be a "master of the craft", as I am far from one myself. Frequently, I end sentences with prepositions, I can rarely decipher the joyous occasion of the correct time to use "who" and "whom", and if you asked me to diagram a sentence for you, I would more than likely scoff, exhale cigarette smoke in your face, and laugh as you gasp for air in a cloud of carbon monoxide.
This goes beyond those dainty things that throughout the decades, southern colloquialisms have both fostered and nurtured as "acceptable" use of the language. Having the grace to be raised in the South, I can assure you that if you ask me where I am wandering to in order to preach some righteous truth today, I would respond to you in kind: "I reckon I'm fixin' to head over that way for a quick minute."
Where is the difference, you ask? Why is the old man so pissed today? Fret not, true believers. The answer to both those questions shall be revealed unto you anon...
With idioms and colloquialisms, one can express him/herself verbally without (general) fear of reproach. It's not only acceptable for you to tell me that you ain't a Yankee in conversation, it's outright expected if you were born and raised in the South.
Pop quiz time!
What was the key word in the last ramble?
Verbally! That is correct! Give yourself a little star!
Spare me the "ain't-is-in-the-dictionary" panther piss. Through a sea of complacent morons, the "word" "bootylicious" is as well. If I catch you using this word in your common speech, rest well in the knowledge that the dogshit shall be slapped out of you.
When it comes to the written word, you should have more respect for yourself than to send out half of the tripe you joyfully let rain through such mediums as e-mail, text-messaging, and on various social networking sites such as this one and numerous others. You should feel (at best) partially ashamed of some of the mental vomit that flow from your fingers, and the sheer audacity to push a little button that carries everything from your most personal demons to whether or not nachos will be made available for the drunken debauchery you're heading to on the weekend.
That being said, I offer the following for a more literate country. I know it may not be much. I know it may fall on deaf ears. I also know I can not and will not sit back and watch with blissful eyes as what I try to preserve on a daily basis gets more and more progressively shot to shit.
For your consideration:
1. I understand it is the trend to emulate people in popular culture. The concept of wanting to live the "glamorous" life is always appealing to John and Jane Average. Understand this: entertainer's jobs are to ENTERTAIN. They are not bastillions of role models, especially when it comes to grammar. Want fun homework? Take whatever person you admire in popular culture, and really listen to their interviews. Remove your drooling, mouth-breathing status and put your ol' logic cap on! Hear that? Every question they have answered begins with the word "Well"...
When you are writing anything to me (or anyone else for that matter), please refrain from this. Everytime you start a sentence with the word "well", not only do you make baby Jesus cry, but you also make me go through four packs of cigarettes in one hour.
Cigarettes will not be the cause of my death. Your horrendous writing will be.
2. Learn to spell. Spelling is not that difficult of a concept. Do not learn to spell using the back of popular music compact discs as your dictionary. Learn to spell basic words, and then work your way up to the harder ones. It is no concern of mine whether or not you are the best speller on the earth today, but at least have a basic grasp of how to spell. You will need to write in almost every job you have. God forbid you have to send a company-wide e-mail memo, and it is littered with petals of illiteracy. All of which, of course, brings me to:
3. Spell Check. You idiot. Spell Check can only save you so many times when you use the application to magically clean up whatever electronic pablum you have spewed out for everyone to see. Neither Spell Check or the ever-popular Grammar Check will catch everything. What's that? Don't believe the old man? Good! You're thinking! You're thinking independently! Yay! Alright chuckles, here's a minute sampling:
ex: I have too go too the store.
ex: I have two go to the store.
Now...
You would never make that silly of a mistake. Right? Of course you wouldn't! That's why when I returned home today, someone had forwarded me an e-mail which contained such grave spelling errors I wanted to projectile vomit things I have not even ate yet. I won't bore you with the details of how hideous the e-mail was, but let's just say that if the "author" of this e-mail has children, the American gene pool has been pissed in.
The subject line read: "Don't let this guy breed..."
I shall end this sermon with just a quick afterthought.
In the man-made monster of technology, where everything is at our slightest whims, we have invaribly defeated ourselves. We have allowed our youth to become dependent on computers and fashionable trends to teach our children how to do one of the most basic forms of communication: writing.
If the buck must be stopped somewhere, let it be stopped with me.
Until next time, true believers.
Good afternoon, mortals.
I come before you today with heavy heart, and malice of forethought. Consider this your invitation for a better country, a better lifestyle, and a better way of expressing yourself through the written word, which I hold as sacred as a loving parent holds their new-born infant to the newly-revealed earth.
Let's get things nice and sparkling clear. Your butchering of the English language is vile. I have never asked (nor would I hold you to such high standards) to be a "master of the craft", as I am far from one myself. Frequently, I end sentences with prepositions, I can rarely decipher the joyous occasion of the correct time to use "who" and "whom", and if you asked me to diagram a sentence for you, I would more than likely scoff, exhale cigarette smoke in your face, and laugh as you gasp for air in a cloud of carbon monoxide.
This goes beyond those dainty things that throughout the decades, southern colloquialisms have both fostered and nurtured as "acceptable" use of the language. Having the grace to be raised in the South, I can assure you that if you ask me where I am wandering to in order to preach some righteous truth today, I would respond to you in kind: "I reckon I'm fixin' to head over that way for a quick minute."
Where is the difference, you ask? Why is the old man so pissed today? Fret not, true believers. The answer to both those questions shall be revealed unto you anon...
With idioms and colloquialisms, one can express him/herself verbally without (general) fear of reproach. It's not only acceptable for you to tell me that you ain't a Yankee in conversation, it's outright expected if you were born and raised in the South.
Pop quiz time!
What was the key word in the last ramble?
Verbally! That is correct! Give yourself a little star!
Spare me the "ain't-is-in-the-dictionary" panther piss. Through a sea of complacent morons, the "word" "bootylicious" is as well. If I catch you using this word in your common speech, rest well in the knowledge that the dogshit shall be slapped out of you.
When it comes to the written word, you should have more respect for yourself than to send out half of the tripe you joyfully let rain through such mediums as e-mail, text-messaging, and on various social networking sites such as this one and numerous others. You should feel (at best) partially ashamed of some of the mental vomit that flow from your fingers, and the sheer audacity to push a little button that carries everything from your most personal demons to whether or not nachos will be made available for the drunken debauchery you're heading to on the weekend.
That being said, I offer the following for a more literate country. I know it may not be much. I know it may fall on deaf ears. I also know I can not and will not sit back and watch with blissful eyes as what I try to preserve on a daily basis gets more and more progressively shot to shit.
For your consideration:
1. I understand it is the trend to emulate people in popular culture. The concept of wanting to live the "glamorous" life is always appealing to John and Jane Average. Understand this: entertainer's jobs are to ENTERTAIN. They are not bastillions of role models, especially when it comes to grammar. Want fun homework? Take whatever person you admire in popular culture, and really listen to their interviews. Remove your drooling, mouth-breathing status and put your ol' logic cap on! Hear that? Every question they have answered begins with the word "Well"...
When you are writing anything to me (or anyone else for that matter), please refrain from this. Everytime you start a sentence with the word "well", not only do you make baby Jesus cry, but you also make me go through four packs of cigarettes in one hour.
Cigarettes will not be the cause of my death. Your horrendous writing will be.
2. Learn to spell. Spelling is not that difficult of a concept. Do not learn to spell using the back of popular music compact discs as your dictionary. Learn to spell basic words, and then work your way up to the harder ones. It is no concern of mine whether or not you are the best speller on the earth today, but at least have a basic grasp of how to spell. You will need to write in almost every job you have. God forbid you have to send a company-wide e-mail memo, and it is littered with petals of illiteracy. All of which, of course, brings me to:
3. Spell Check. You idiot. Spell Check can only save you so many times when you use the application to magically clean up whatever electronic pablum you have spewed out for everyone to see. Neither Spell Check or the ever-popular Grammar Check will catch everything. What's that? Don't believe the old man? Good! You're thinking! You're thinking independently! Yay! Alright chuckles, here's a minute sampling:
ex: I have too go too the store.
ex: I have two go to the store.
Now...
You would never make that silly of a mistake. Right? Of course you wouldn't! That's why when I returned home today, someone had forwarded me an e-mail which contained such grave spelling errors I wanted to projectile vomit things I have not even ate yet. I won't bore you with the details of how hideous the e-mail was, but let's just say that if the "author" of this e-mail has children, the American gene pool has been pissed in.
The subject line read: "Don't let this guy breed..."
I shall end this sermon with just a quick afterthought.
In the man-made monster of technology, where everything is at our slightest whims, we have invaribly defeated ourselves. We have allowed our youth to become dependent on computers and fashionable trends to teach our children how to do one of the most basic forms of communication: writing.
If the buck must be stopped somewhere, let it be stopped with me.
Until next time, true believers.
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