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Yer all gonna bust a gut at this one.
We have the standard 6ft. fence in the backyard, and a few months ago, I
heard about burglaries increasing dramatically in the entire city. To
make sure this never happened to me, I got an
electric fence kit and ran a single wire along the top of the fence.
Actually, I got the biggest cattle charger Tractor Supply had in
stock, made to send a powerful shock along 26 miles of fence. I then
bought an 8 ft. long ground rod, drove that sucker 7.5 feet into the
ground. The ground rod is the key. The deeper you drive it into the
ground, the better the fence works.
One day I'm mowing the back yard with my cheapo Walmart 5-hp
big-wheel pushmower. I noticed my electric fence hot wire was broken
and laying out in the yard. I knew for a fact that I had unplugged the
charger a few days ago, so I pushed the mower around the wire and
reached down to grab it to throw it out of the way. It seems as though I
had recalled incorrectly and had forgotten to unplug it after all.
Now I'm standing there; I've got the running lawnmower in my
right hand and the 1.7 gigavolt fence wire in the other hand. Keep in
mind the charger is about the size of a marine battery. On the cover is
a picture of an upside-down cow on fire. Time stood still. The first
thing I notice is my testicles are trying to climb up the front side of
my body. My ears curled downwards and I could feel the lawnmower
ignition firing in the back of my brain. Every time that Briggs &
Stratton turned over, I could feel the spark in my head. I was
literally at one with the engine.
It seems as though the fence charger and the POS lawnmower were fighting
over who would control my electrical impulses.
Science says one cannot defecate, urinate and ejaculate at the
same time. I beg to differ. Not only did I do all three at once, you
can add sneeze, cry and hiccup. My bowels emptied three different times
in less than half of a second. It was a Matrix kind of bowel movement,
where time is creeping along and you're all leaned back and BAM BAM BAM
you just crap your pants three times. It seemed like there were
minutes in between but in reality it was so close together it was like
exhaust pulses from a John Deere.
At this point I'm about 30 minutes (maybe two seconds) into
holding onto the fence wire. My hand is wrapped around the wire palm
down, and I can?t let go. I grew up on a farm so I know all about
electric fences . . . but Dad always had those POS chargers made by
Harbor Freight or somebody that were like 9 volts and just kinda
tickled.
This one had me. I could not let go. The 8 foot long ground
rod is now accepting signals from me through the permadamp Ark-La-Tex
river bottom soil. At this point I'm thinking I'm going to have to just
man up and take it, until the lawnmower runs out of gas. ?Damn!,? I
just filled the tank! Now the lawnmower is starting to run rough. It
has settled into a loping run pattern as if it had some kind of big
lawnmower racing cam in it.
Covered in poop, pee and jizz, and with my stones on my chest I
think, ?Oh, please let it die . . . pleeeeze die.? But nooooo, it
settles into the rough, lumpy idle and remains there, like a big bore
roller cam EFI motor waiting for the ?go? command from its owner's right
foot.
So here I am in the middle of July, 104 degrees, 90% humidity,
standing in my own backyard, begging God to kill me. God did not take
me that day . . . he left me there covered in my own fluids to writhe in
the misery my own stupidity.
I honestly don't know how I got loose from the wire . . . I
woke up lying on the ground hours later. The lawnmower beside me was
out of gas. Don?t know how long I lay there, but I was sunburned.
There were two large dead grass spots where I had been standing, and
another long skinny dead streak along the wire on the ground. I assume
I finally had a seizure and in the resulting thrashing had somehow let
go of the wire.
Upon waking from my electrically induced sleep I realized a few
things.
1- Three of my teeth seem to have melted.
2- I now have cramps in the bottoms of my feet and my
right butt cheek (not the left, just the right).
3- Poop, pee, and semen, when all mixed together, does
not smell as bad as you might think.
4- My left eye will not open.
5- My right eye will not close.
6- The lawnmower runs like a sumbitch now. Seriously,
I think our little session cleared out some carbon fouling or something,
because it was better than new after that.
7- My gonads are still smaller than average, yet they
are almost a foot long.
8- I can turn on the TV in the game room by farting
while thinking of the number 4. (still dont understand this?)
That day changed my life. I now have a newfound
respect for a whole bunch of things. I appreciate the little things
more. It has enhanced my ability to remember. I never forget to triple
check to make sure the fence is unplugged before I mow.
The good news is that if a burglar does try to come over
the fence, I can clearly visualize what my security system will do to
him. THAT gives me a warm and fuzzy feeling.
We have the standard 6ft. fence in the backyard, and a few months ago, I
heard about burglaries increasing dramatically in the entire city. To
make sure this never happened to me, I got an
electric fence kit and ran a single wire along the top of the fence.
Actually, I got the biggest cattle charger Tractor Supply had in
stock, made to send a powerful shock along 26 miles of fence. I then
bought an 8 ft. long ground rod, drove that sucker 7.5 feet into the
ground. The ground rod is the key. The deeper you drive it into the
ground, the better the fence works.
One day I'm mowing the back yard with my cheapo Walmart 5-hp
big-wheel pushmower. I noticed my electric fence hot wire was broken
and laying out in the yard. I knew for a fact that I had unplugged the
charger a few days ago, so I pushed the mower around the wire and
reached down to grab it to throw it out of the way. It seems as though I
had recalled incorrectly and had forgotten to unplug it after all.
Now I'm standing there; I've got the running lawnmower in my
right hand and the 1.7 gigavolt fence wire in the other hand. Keep in
mind the charger is about the size of a marine battery. On the cover is
a picture of an upside-down cow on fire. Time stood still. The first
thing I notice is my testicles are trying to climb up the front side of
my body. My ears curled downwards and I could feel the lawnmower
ignition firing in the back of my brain. Every time that Briggs &
Stratton turned over, I could feel the spark in my head. I was
literally at one with the engine.
It seems as though the fence charger and the POS lawnmower were fighting
over who would control my electrical impulses.
Science says one cannot defecate, urinate and ejaculate at the
same time. I beg to differ. Not only did I do all three at once, you
can add sneeze, cry and hiccup. My bowels emptied three different times
in less than half of a second. It was a Matrix kind of bowel movement,
where time is creeping along and you're all leaned back and BAM BAM BAM
you just crap your pants three times. It seemed like there were
minutes in between but in reality it was so close together it was like
exhaust pulses from a John Deere.
At this point I'm about 30 minutes (maybe two seconds) into
holding onto the fence wire. My hand is wrapped around the wire palm
down, and I can?t let go. I grew up on a farm so I know all about
electric fences . . . but Dad always had those POS chargers made by
Harbor Freight or somebody that were like 9 volts and just kinda
tickled.
This one had me. I could not let go. The 8 foot long ground
rod is now accepting signals from me through the permadamp Ark-La-Tex
river bottom soil. At this point I'm thinking I'm going to have to just
man up and take it, until the lawnmower runs out of gas. ?Damn!,? I
just filled the tank! Now the lawnmower is starting to run rough. It
has settled into a loping run pattern as if it had some kind of big
lawnmower racing cam in it.
Covered in poop, pee and jizz, and with my stones on my chest I
think, ?Oh, please let it die . . . pleeeeze die.? But nooooo, it
settles into the rough, lumpy idle and remains there, like a big bore
roller cam EFI motor waiting for the ?go? command from its owner's right
foot.
So here I am in the middle of July, 104 degrees, 90% humidity,
standing in my own backyard, begging God to kill me. God did not take
me that day . . . he left me there covered in my own fluids to writhe in
the misery my own stupidity.
I honestly don't know how I got loose from the wire . . . I
woke up lying on the ground hours later. The lawnmower beside me was
out of gas. Don?t know how long I lay there, but I was sunburned.
There were two large dead grass spots where I had been standing, and
another long skinny dead streak along the wire on the ground. I assume
I finally had a seizure and in the resulting thrashing had somehow let
go of the wire.
Upon waking from my electrically induced sleep I realized a few
things.
1- Three of my teeth seem to have melted.
2- I now have cramps in the bottoms of my feet and my
right butt cheek (not the left, just the right).
3- Poop, pee, and semen, when all mixed together, does
not smell as bad as you might think.
4- My left eye will not open.
5- My right eye will not close.
6- The lawnmower runs like a sumbitch now. Seriously,
I think our little session cleared out some carbon fouling or something,
because it was better than new after that.
7- My gonads are still smaller than average, yet they
are almost a foot long.
8- I can turn on the TV in the game room by farting
while thinking of the number 4. (still dont understand this?)
That day changed my life. I now have a newfound
respect for a whole bunch of things. I appreciate the little things
more. It has enhanced my ability to remember. I never forget to triple
check to make sure the fence is unplugged before I mow.
The good news is that if a burglar does try to come over
the fence, I can clearly visualize what my security system will do to
him. THAT gives me a warm and fuzzy feeling.
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