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The Gospel According To “The One”
1And it came to pass in the Age of Insanity that the people of the land called America, having lost their morals, their initiative and their will to defend their liberties, chose as their Supreme Leader that person known as The One.
2He emerged from the vapors with a message that had no meaning; but He hypnotized the people telling them, "I am sent to save you. My lack of experience, my questionable ethics, my monstrous ego, and my association with evil doers are of no consequence. For I shall save you with Hope and Change Go, therefore, and proclaim throughout the land that he who preceded me is evil, that he has defiled the nation, and that all he has built must be destroyed."
3And the people rejoiced. For even though they knew not what The One would do, He had promised that it was good; and they believed. And The One said "We live in the greatest country in the world. Help me change everything about it!"
4And the people said, "Hallelujah!! Change is good!" Then He said, "We are going to tax the rich fat-cats,"
5And the people said "Sock it to them!"---- and redistribute their wealth." And the people said, "Show us the money!" And then He said, "Redistribution of wealth is good for everybody" And Joe the plumber asked, "Are you kidding me? You're going to steal my money and give it to the deadbeats??"
6And The One ridiculed and taunted him, and Joe's personal records were hacked and publicized. One lone reporter asked, "Isn't that Marxist policy?" And she was banished from the kingdom!
7Then a citizen asked, "With no foreign relations experience and having zero military experience or knowledge, how will you deal with radical terrorists?" And The One said, "Simple. I shall sit with them and talk with them and show them how nice we really are; and they will forget that they ever wanted to kill us all!"
8And the people said, "Hallelujah!! We are safe at last, and we can beat our weapons into free cars for the people!"
9Then The One said, "I shall give 95% of you lower taxes." And one, lone voice said, "But 40% of us don't pay ANY taxes." So The One said, "Then I shall give you some of the taxes the fat-cats pay!"
10And the people said, "Hallelujah!! Show us the money!"
11Then The One said, "I shall tax your Capital Gains when you sell your homes!" And the people yawned and the slumping housing market collapsed.
12And He said, "I shall mandate employer- funded health care for EVERY worker and raise the minimum wage. And I shall give every person unlimited healthcare and medicine and transportation to the clinics."
13And the people said, "Gi’me some of that!" Then He said, "I shall penalize employers who ship jobs overseas." And the people said, "Where's my rebate check?"
14Then The One said, "I shall bankrupt the coal industry and electricity rates will skyrocket!" And the people said, "Coal is dirty, coal is evil, no more coal! But we don't care for that part about higher electric rates."
15So The One said, "Not to worry. If your rebate isn't enough to cover your expenses, we shall bail you out. Just sign up with ACORN and your troubles are over!"
16Then He said, "Illegal immigrants feel scorned and slighted. Let's grant them amnesty, Social Security, free education, free lunches, free medical care, bi-lingual signs and guaranteed housing..." And the people said, "Hallelujah!!" And they made him King!
17And so it came to pass that employers, facing spiraling costs and ever-higher taxes, raised their prices and laid off workers. Others simply gave up and went out of business and the economy sank like unto a rock dropped from a cliff.
18The banking industry was destroyed. Manufacturing slowed to a crawl. And more of the people were without a means of support. Then The One said, "I am the The One - The Messiah - and I'm here to save you! We shall just print more money so everyone will have enough!"
19But our foreign trading partners said unto Him, "Wait a minute. Your dollar is not worth a pile of camel dung! You will have to pay more..." And the people said, "Wait a minute. That is unfair!!"
20And the world said, "Neither are these other idiotic programs you have embraced. Lo, you have become a Socialist state and a second-rate power. Now you shall play by our rules!"
21And the people cried out, "Alas, alas!! What have we done?" But yea verily, it was too late. The people set upon The One and spat upon him and stoned him, and his name was dung. And the once mighty nation was no more; and the once proud people were without sustenance or shelter or hope.
22And the Change The One had given them was as like unto a poison that had destroyed them and like a whirlwind that consumed all that they had built. And the people beat their chests in despair and cried out in anguish, "Give us back our nation and our pride and our hope!!" But it was too late, and their homeland was no more.
CHAPTER 1
2He emerged from the vapors with a message that had no meaning; but He hypnotized the people telling them, "I am sent to save you. My lack of experience, my questionable ethics, my monstrous ego, and my association with evil doers are of no consequence. For I shall save you with Hope and Change Go, therefore, and proclaim throughout the land that he who preceded me is evil, that he has defiled the nation, and that all he has built must be destroyed."
3And the people rejoiced. For even though they knew not what The One would do, He had promised that it was good; and they believed. And The One said "We live in the greatest country in the world. Help me change everything about it!"
4And the people said, "Hallelujah!! Change is good!" Then He said, "We are going to tax the rich fat-cats,"
5And the people said "Sock it to them!"---- and redistribute their wealth." And the people said, "Show us the money!" And then He said, "Redistribution of wealth is good for everybody" And Joe the plumber asked, "Are you kidding me? You're going to steal my money and give it to the deadbeats??"
6And The One ridiculed and taunted him, and Joe's personal records were hacked and publicized. One lone reporter asked, "Isn't that Marxist policy?" And she was banished from the kingdom!
7Then a citizen asked, "With no foreign relations experience and having zero military experience or knowledge, how will you deal with radical terrorists?" And The One said, "Simple. I shall sit with them and talk with them and show them how nice we really are; and they will forget that they ever wanted to kill us all!"
8And the people said, "Hallelujah!! We are safe at last, and we can beat our weapons into free cars for the people!"
9Then The One said, "I shall give 95% of you lower taxes." And one, lone voice said, "But 40% of us don't pay ANY taxes." So The One said, "Then I shall give you some of the taxes the fat-cats pay!"
10And the people said, "Hallelujah!! Show us the money!"
11Then The One said, "I shall tax your Capital Gains when you sell your homes!" And the people yawned and the slumping housing market collapsed.
12And He said, "I shall mandate employer- funded health care for EVERY worker and raise the minimum wage. And I shall give every person unlimited healthcare and medicine and transportation to the clinics."
13And the people said, "Gi’me some of that!" Then He said, "I shall penalize employers who ship jobs overseas." And the people said, "Where's my rebate check?"
14Then The One said, "I shall bankrupt the coal industry and electricity rates will skyrocket!" And the people said, "Coal is dirty, coal is evil, no more coal! But we don't care for that part about higher electric rates."
15So The One said, "Not to worry. If your rebate isn't enough to cover your expenses, we shall bail you out. Just sign up with ACORN and your troubles are over!"
16Then He said, "Illegal immigrants feel scorned and slighted. Let's grant them amnesty, Social Security, free education, free lunches, free medical care, bi-lingual signs and guaranteed housing..." And the people said, "Hallelujah!!" And they made him King!
17And so it came to pass that employers, facing spiraling costs and ever-higher taxes, raised their prices and laid off workers. Others simply gave up and went out of business and the economy sank like unto a rock dropped from a cliff.
18The banking industry was destroyed. Manufacturing slowed to a crawl. And more of the people were without a means of support. Then The One said, "I am the The One - The Messiah - and I'm here to save you! We shall just print more money so everyone will have enough!"
19But our foreign trading partners said unto Him, "Wait a minute. Your dollar is not worth a pile of camel dung! You will have to pay more..." And the people said, "Wait a minute. That is unfair!!"
20And the world said, "Neither are these other idiotic programs you have embraced. Lo, you have become a Socialist state and a second-rate power. Now you shall play by our rules!"
21And the people cried out, "Alas, alas!! What have we done?" But yea verily, it was too late. The people set upon The One and spat upon him and stoned him, and his name was dung. And the once mighty nation was no more; and the once proud people were without sustenance or shelter or hope.
22And the Change The One had given them was as like unto a poison that had destroyed them and like a whirlwind that consumed all that they had built. And the people beat their chests in despair and cried out in anguish, "Give us back our nation and our pride and our hope!!" But it was too late, and their homeland was no more.
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