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OK, out of all of the ideas I have come up with, this one has got to have the most income potential...and I love you guys so much that I'm going to tell you exactly how to do it.
You have enough change in your pocket from the $20 you laid down for a Big Mac to finance this film. I'm assuming that you've already hoarked a copy of Sony Vegas, and that your garage floor is littered with pieces of emissions shit that that you've removed from your hearses over the years.
1.) Time is money. Don't waste it in meetings with a braintrust, the minutes of which will conclude with useless babbling, frustrating attempts to get them to quit throwing out keywords about copyright laws, and a new name for the film every week. Besides, one of them might notice that you've been pulling money out of his bank account instead of direct depositing his paycheck. Just pick any existing Schwartz film and increment the version.
2.) Capture 90 minutes of Teletubbies footage; after all, you will need some adversaries, and maybe you can use the background for some outdoor shots. No one is going to notice the simplicity. Don't make the mistake of masking out that baby with the evil grimace. That's your most menacing character.
3.) Buy a piece of flexible plastic chrome-look ridged wiring conduit from Autozone. Use it to add a dozen arms and legs to the teletubbies. Photograph random shots of your garage floor and use that to cover their bodies.
3.) You can do the dialogue, main characters, and background music all in one step. Find a couple of opinionated black friends, a woman with an IQ below 80, and a big guy who looks kind of like Arnold. Put them all in your garage, toss in a case of Pabst and some malt liquor, and start a discussion about politics, then close the door and crank up the stereo. Throw in a few sound bytes from the governator speeches. Don't waste your time putting any ordering into this crap. You don't need a plot. Just drop it randomly throughout the film.
3.) You're going to have to put some scenery on the screen. Use pictures of your garage floor, but not the same ones that you used before, because someone might be sober enough to notice the dichotomy between the background and the characters.
4.) Special effects. Here's where you might go over budget, if you don't take your wife along. It's easy to get carried away buying fireworks on the Indian reservation.
5.) Extras. Only an idiot would pay a casting company, unless they're kicking back the photo costs. Just throw a hearse meet in the garage and tell everyone to bring a case of cheap beer. Keep the camera rolling.
6,) Throw all of this shit together into Vegas. You don't need any editing experience, just bits and pieces of the documentation. Run the speed up until nobody can tell that the film has no plot, and you're done.
7.) Don't get carried away and try to get the DVDs pressed. Just take one to Wal-mart and they'll take care of the whole thing. Try to stay sober long enough to sound like you're somebody important. If they want to make it into a cleanflic, tell them to go ahead. A Christian's money is the same color as a drunk's.
8.) This is actually all you need, but you can pump up the profits if you want to be cocky. You can insist that the viewers have to sit through a penis enlargement commercial before they can get to the main menu, put it into a metal case, sit in a folding chair and blab on about all of the things that you had to do to get it to the big screen (nobody will remember that they missed that version), or make a quick run to the barrio and a cheap motel in Québec and dub foreign soundtracks...be creative.
That's it. Once the bins start coming back from China, Wal-mart will stuff your bank account until that $89,000 hearse is a drop in the bucket. Just do me a favor and don't put my name in the credits.
-denise
You have enough change in your pocket from the $20 you laid down for a Big Mac to finance this film. I'm assuming that you've already hoarked a copy of Sony Vegas, and that your garage floor is littered with pieces of emissions shit that that you've removed from your hearses over the years.
1.) Time is money. Don't waste it in meetings with a braintrust, the minutes of which will conclude with useless babbling, frustrating attempts to get them to quit throwing out keywords about copyright laws, and a new name for the film every week. Besides, one of them might notice that you've been pulling money out of his bank account instead of direct depositing his paycheck. Just pick any existing Schwartz film and increment the version.
2.) Capture 90 minutes of Teletubbies footage; after all, you will need some adversaries, and maybe you can use the background for some outdoor shots. No one is going to notice the simplicity. Don't make the mistake of masking out that baby with the evil grimace. That's your most menacing character.
3.) Buy a piece of flexible plastic chrome-look ridged wiring conduit from Autozone. Use it to add a dozen arms and legs to the teletubbies. Photograph random shots of your garage floor and use that to cover their bodies.
3.) You can do the dialogue, main characters, and background music all in one step. Find a couple of opinionated black friends, a woman with an IQ below 80, and a big guy who looks kind of like Arnold. Put them all in your garage, toss in a case of Pabst and some malt liquor, and start a discussion about politics, then close the door and crank up the stereo. Throw in a few sound bytes from the governator speeches. Don't waste your time putting any ordering into this crap. You don't need a plot. Just drop it randomly throughout the film.
3.) You're going to have to put some scenery on the screen. Use pictures of your garage floor, but not the same ones that you used before, because someone might be sober enough to notice the dichotomy between the background and the characters.
4.) Special effects. Here's where you might go over budget, if you don't take your wife along. It's easy to get carried away buying fireworks on the Indian reservation.
5.) Extras. Only an idiot would pay a casting company, unless they're kicking back the photo costs. Just throw a hearse meet in the garage and tell everyone to bring a case of cheap beer. Keep the camera rolling.
6,) Throw all of this shit together into Vegas. You don't need any editing experience, just bits and pieces of the documentation. Run the speed up until nobody can tell that the film has no plot, and you're done.
7.) Don't get carried away and try to get the DVDs pressed. Just take one to Wal-mart and they'll take care of the whole thing. Try to stay sober long enough to sound like you're somebody important. If they want to make it into a cleanflic, tell them to go ahead. A Christian's money is the same color as a drunk's.
8.) This is actually all you need, but you can pump up the profits if you want to be cocky. You can insist that the viewers have to sit through a penis enlargement commercial before they can get to the main menu, put it into a metal case, sit in a folding chair and blab on about all of the things that you had to do to get it to the big screen (nobody will remember that they missed that version), or make a quick run to the barrio and a cheap motel in Québec and dub foreign soundtracks...be creative.
That's it. Once the bins start coming back from China, Wal-mart will stuff your bank account until that $89,000 hearse is a drop in the bucket. Just do me a favor and don't put my name in the credits.
-denise