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OK, here's something LadyLike...somewhat...
So, you're a Hungry Man™, but you have no ground beef left in the freezer? Well, I haven't bothered to look it up, but that's probably a violation of some Man Law™. No problem. Let me put you back together. Here's what we're gonna do :
1. If you're out of ground beef, you must have some bacon left in the fridge. Being out of both is just not possible.
2. Put a whole pound of bacon into one of those big pots that looks like a silly hat. Don't forget to turn it over so that the handles go up, and the solid, flat part goes down.
3. Take off your clothes, if you wear any around the house. Although we're cheating a little by not using a skillet, that is the only way to learn to cook bacon properly. Don't worry about the nomenclature yet. We're going to put that together later on.
4. As the bacon cooks, we're going to need to sautée some onions. Never sautéed before? No problem. Let me put you together.
a. Slice up an onion into little pieces. If you accidentally cut your finger off, don't forget to put it on ice and take it to the emergency room with you. Don't try to sew it back on. You don't know how to sew, and you wouldn't admit it if you did.
b. Put one of those shallow, flat-looking pans (a skillet) on the stove, preferably on a different burner. Turn the burner on low. Do not turn the burner on high and then try to turn it back to low. Just leave it on low and stir your bacon or something for a while.
c. Put some butter (not margarine) into the skillet and melt it. No matter how to eager you are to try a steamy hot bowl of Bacon Chili™, do not turn the burner on high, try to stir it while it melts and then turn it back to low. That doesn't work.
d. Put your onion pieces (you did save them, right?) into the skillet.
5. Now everything is running smoothly. You just need to get up from your recliner and stir everything during the commercials.
6. When your onions and your bacon are just a little bit crispy, turn off everything. Do not pour the excess bacon grease onto a pan and save it "to cook something later". Just pour it down the sink while you hold the bacon down with a big spoon, or a hammer or something. Run a little hot water down the sink, so that it will back up the plumbing all of the way down into the sewer. Don't worry about it...you'll remember to ask your wife to fix it the next time the toilet overflows.
7. Put the sautéed onions (aren't you proud of yourself?) into the bacon. Pour in a few cans of Piggly Wiggly™ ready-made chili beans and stir it all together.
8. Turn the burner on "high", and let it heat up until it splashes all over the kitchen. Don't bother stirring it anymore...the part that sticks to the bottom of the pan is the best part.
9. You're done! Feed this crap to the hogs, get a beer, and order a pizza. Don't forget to put your clothes back on.
OK, you haven't really accomplished anything except to make a mess out of the kitchen, and, let's face it, doing anything productive around the house is a violation of Man Law™. Besides, you've learned a new word. You can never say it because people will think that you're a fag, but we're not out to accomplish anything but waste your time reading this crap.
Actually, if any of it sounds unrealistic, stop over and have Chef Tony cook dinner some night.
-denise
So, you're a Hungry Man™, but you have no ground beef left in the freezer? Well, I haven't bothered to look it up, but that's probably a violation of some Man Law™. No problem. Let me put you back together. Here's what we're gonna do :
1. If you're out of ground beef, you must have some bacon left in the fridge. Being out of both is just not possible.
2. Put a whole pound of bacon into one of those big pots that looks like a silly hat. Don't forget to turn it over so that the handles go up, and the solid, flat part goes down.
3. Take off your clothes, if you wear any around the house. Although we're cheating a little by not using a skillet, that is the only way to learn to cook bacon properly. Don't worry about the nomenclature yet. We're going to put that together later on.
4. As the bacon cooks, we're going to need to sautée some onions. Never sautéed before? No problem. Let me put you together.
a. Slice up an onion into little pieces. If you accidentally cut your finger off, don't forget to put it on ice and take it to the emergency room with you. Don't try to sew it back on. You don't know how to sew, and you wouldn't admit it if you did.
b. Put one of those shallow, flat-looking pans (a skillet) on the stove, preferably on a different burner. Turn the burner on low. Do not turn the burner on high and then try to turn it back to low. Just leave it on low and stir your bacon or something for a while.
c. Put some butter (not margarine) into the skillet and melt it. No matter how to eager you are to try a steamy hot bowl of Bacon Chili™, do not turn the burner on high, try to stir it while it melts and then turn it back to low. That doesn't work.
d. Put your onion pieces (you did save them, right?) into the skillet.
5. Now everything is running smoothly. You just need to get up from your recliner and stir everything during the commercials.
6. When your onions and your bacon are just a little bit crispy, turn off everything. Do not pour the excess bacon grease onto a pan and save it "to cook something later". Just pour it down the sink while you hold the bacon down with a big spoon, or a hammer or something. Run a little hot water down the sink, so that it will back up the plumbing all of the way down into the sewer. Don't worry about it...you'll remember to ask your wife to fix it the next time the toilet overflows.
7. Put the sautéed onions (aren't you proud of yourself?) into the bacon. Pour in a few cans of Piggly Wiggly™ ready-made chili beans and stir it all together.
8. Turn the burner on "high", and let it heat up until it splashes all over the kitchen. Don't bother stirring it anymore...the part that sticks to the bottom of the pan is the best part.
9. You're done! Feed this crap to the hogs, get a beer, and order a pizza. Don't forget to put your clothes back on.
OK, you haven't really accomplished anything except to make a mess out of the kitchen, and, let's face it, doing anything productive around the house is a violation of Man Law™. Besides, you've learned a new word. You can never say it because people will think that you're a fag, but we're not out to accomplish anything but waste your time reading this crap.
Actually, if any of it sounds unrealistic, stop over and have Chef Tony cook dinner some night.
-denise