The D.J rules.

[disPAIN'Sbac]

A look at behind the scenes of my profession. After a friend on this board asked me where and what I was playing these days I was prompted to post my dj rules I think you might all enjoy whether your a club goer or not.




Behind the D.J booth/ things you just need to know.

Before you bug me read this.

1.If you have a request for anything you have heard on the RADIO/M.T.V in the past two weeks or so dont waste your breath, chances are you will hear it here tonight! SEXY is BACK, finally, were all CRAZY and I know your BOSSY now stop requesting it.

2.If you have any other request your chances of it getting played are greater if you are polite and a tip accompanies it (bartenders get tipped to make you drinks, why cant D.Js get tipped to make you dance?) Dont be a cheap ass. And its a request doesnt mean it will happen. But 9 times out of ten a tip does. I tell ya. its over quoted but true, money talks bullshit walks.

3."Will you play it next?" IF I agree to play your request, no, I wont play your request NEXT! (Im embarrassed for you when you ask this) Well not often, unless by chance it will happen to fit in the set or time Im at in that moment or. green backs higher than a Lincoln, the owner asks, or a hummer (if you're a girl) quickly follow the request.
Why NEXT? Are you that impatient? This request after your request is worse than the request itself. Its actually kinda rude. Its like asking a friend to borrow ten bucks, they quickly comply then you say um can I go ahead and get twenty from you. Its just intrusive. Is the four songs I tell you that its going to take to get to it going to kill you or blow your chance of grinding your ass up on that tool with the sparkle muscle shirt with a hair style only he thinks is still in that thinks hes getting laid tonight. by you. The night a D.J puts together (a good D.J) with music selection is like elevating sex, everything in life has a rhythm to it. If I see hands in the air and people dancing their ass off and the sweat is pouring, (like sex) and Im at 125 BPMs (beats per minute) Im in rhythm with the crowd as they are me, (just like sex) Im doing my job. If you ask me to play Show Stopper which is at 72 BPMS not to mention a god awful song and If I do play it at that moment you so rudely demanded the crowd is going to turn, look at me and be like YOU MOTHER FUCKER I WAS JUST ABOUT TO GET OFF!. Just like your mate would as if you stopped fucking him/her right when they were at the exact 2 seconds before getting off (just like sex)

4."Ok you wont play it next, fine, so when will you play it?" Let me check my Mead day planner and see when I have that song scheduled to be played tonight. What Im trying to say is you just pushed my go into dont give a fuck about you button, your annoyance and over bearing intrusive ass just fucked yourself right out your request. I hate to play a programmed set I got to feel that shit, I play what the crowd is feeling cause Im feeling it too, we work together (just like sex). So if you happen to request something I was going to play anyway I cant tell you when Im going to play it. If Im feeling it will work and I happen to think of your request then Ill play it. Otherwise I just dont know when. Please dont ask that..ever.

5."When are you going to play something I can dance to?"(as I look at the floor and see everyone dancing) Every type of music has a beat which means it can be danced to, find the beat, follow it, move your body to it and with it. Kinda fun,(kinda like sex) its called dancing been around for YEARS!!! In Africa they do this shit all night long around camp fires waving spears in the air to the tunes of beats produced by drums made from tree trunks with zebra hide stretched over it bangin it like their first piece of ass with a stick made from a shin bone and stringed instruments that were stretched between tree roots. Given that little senerio..... Your telling me that in todays world of technology you visit clubs producing 5000 watts of sound with music perfectly synced in bars of rhythm with lights bouncing off every inch of the dance floor and you are having a hard time finding a beat..that you can dance to? You just dont want to dance and you got everything you asked daddy for growing up. Youre picky and hard to please. Go to the bar, pound your sex on the beaches till your eyes float, tip the bartender then you will be ready to dance to EVERYTHING!

[disPAIN'Sbac]

6."When are you going to play something good?" Sorry, I am only playing shit tonight.

7."If you play this everyone will dance I promise!!" (As I look at a packed dance floor again) What? did you take a fuckin poll or something? Tell you what, actually, go take a poll come back with the results and well talk about it then.

8.No, you cant look through my music. Unless I can look through your purse or wallet.

9."Hey do you have that new song that goes da da da la la la de de de?" Oh that one?! Yea I got it right here!!!! Um.no haven't heard that one yet, get artist, title or remember a specific chorus and come back.

10.There IS life beyond Hip Hop! Your mind is like a parachute it doesnt work unless its open. Yea I know we are in the DIRTY SOUTH home of grillz and 24s but maybe just maybe that my boss, promoter, or club owner/manager just doesnt want Hip-Hop all night. I know, I know its easy to dance to right? (Refer back to ..5) Believe it or not there a are a lot of people in the ATL that like to dance to things OTHER than Hip-Hop or just plain like to hear, like some 80s/90s, freestyle, House, breaks or even Disco. Its their party too. I try to play to everyone that paid their ten bucks to get in. Once again, life.beyond Hip-Hop.. it does exist. There is some really good music out there besides the garbage that radio and MTV is teaching you that you want to and will like. When I went to clubs, before I was ever a D.J, I went to hear what I just didnt hear on the radio on the way to the club in my car. That was part of the club "experience" to me. Your narrow assed mind may be different and a creature of habit that will live a life as stale as the box of crackers that's been in my pantry for two years. Poor ...................you.

11."Will you play so and so?" Sorry I already played it. "Will you play it again?" I just got here. How about we all sit around until 1:30, wait for you to show up, and then well get the party started and play EVERYTHING you want to hear. (Because you just got here) Try coming a little bit earlier!

12.The index finger rule. If you approach a D.J and he is leaned over the equipment with hands rapidly moving and fingers tweaking knobs, pushing buttons and appears busy he probably is. At this time he sees you even though he doesnt look at you. I have acquired great puerperal
vision over the years. If he looks involved and busy he probably IS!! We will hold up the index finger towards you (the international symbol/jester for hold on a second) I myself hold up the birdie finger which means either, fuck off Im mixing or you can take a joke your hide is tough and to you it means the same as the index finger. If you hang around after that I really want to hear what you have to say. See, to get a smooth blended night we/I (any good D.J) will mix the music together. Now I know you dont know much about this but its not that easy. At times when we are mixing its like the stadium waiting for the game winning free throw to determine the years Championship. Sometimes the pressure is that great. We need every bit of focus we have to be on that next track we are bringing in otherwise the RHYTHM (we talked about that earlier.) gets fucked up because we goofed and instead of a smooth sail you didnt even notice into the next track you wanted to hear now sounds like shoes in the dryer.

13.The hand rule. Often people dont get the finger rule after sporting the hold on a second index finger. They still persist to inch towards you and lean over WITH you into the D.J equipment and talk into your ear which is COVERD by headphones and begin to shout their demands. This is beyond me. I have the song Im about to play in my headphone left or right ear. Ironically its always the one covered that they are trying to yell in. The other ear is listening to the monitor which is at a pretty loud level which is also what is playing on the dance floor. We are trying to match the music you cant hear in the headphones to the booth monitor. At this time we are adjusting levels and volumes mids, highs, and bass so I dont come into the next song busting your ear drums out the side of your head. And yet you still want to try and have me hear you out huh? Youre getting the full palm of the hand in your face like a high five. But what its really saying is your now beyond the nice gesture of the index finger of hold on please I tried to give you. You now get the You fuckin idiot! cant you see Im really busy here at this moment and you are really, really beyond the index finger you REALLY need to hold on a second, fuck off ,yourself the putz or twinkie your with or go pound sand up your ass........... please.

14.Drinks and electricity. We learned way early in life, actually for me it was before I started pre-k that water/liquid and electricity do not mix. I learned it when I poured kool-aid in dads power strip. If you get a taught lesson and not learned lesson like I did then we should still all know this by now. So why is it you come sloshing your drinks around thousands of volts of electricity that I am standing near and have my hands on? I really get nervous and uneasy when you do this (to come request your song). When you lean over to shout in my ear I see your drink lean with you, the liquid makes its way to the rim of the class and back down again, this goes on for a while as Im looking down at the mixer that have all the open volume slide slots. Yes those are open portals of hell that make me think of the old Flick Shocker (no not that shocker the movie) as soon as liquid from your drink hits them, yes that includes your 9.00 Red bull and Vodka. Not to mention that when you fry the system and realize you fucked everyones night up your going to scurry away and they will all be left looking at me thinking I did it. Its always the D.Js fault. Always, no matter what. Please leave your drink with your sucker boyfriend or your trick ass girlfriend who needs a chance to give that other guy in the bar the eye anyway.

15.Far too often people think they know what the D.J needs to do. Play something faster do this play that. Thats why we are in the booth and you paid to come in and hear me play. We dont come to your job and tell you how to flip that burger or do pole tricks do we? Its the biggest mis conception that we have a rock star life and get all the stardom respect. It can be a tough job in all aspects it really can be, thats another blog. We have to please everyone from the bartenders to the customers to the owner to the promoter to even the land lord at times, Its crazy!! Reminds me of the line Ron Livingston says out of the movie Office Space "Do you know how many bosses I have"?

[tonytheskin]

I'd come see you spin, but......don't listen to anything you got except 80's.

[northgahearse]

never had that happen much back in tha day befour the vibe was moved into the "clubs"

underground was the way!!!!

well we can go back to the disco 80s ever play backstreet aka meat factory after 4 am? what a trip that was good thing the booth was way up only the cokehead staff can get to you and all the times i had to say no thanks.....

You are the next generation dj no more lugging tons of wax to a gig
its changing fast cds dats guess thats all old skool with mp3 now.... hell last time i saw sasha and digweed they looked bored lets see how this works load a disk set the time push a button whee

kind of like old skool mechanics they had a ear and knew how to use it..... now days they just plug a computer in and it tells them what to do

funny dat tapes was the first of the fake djs slip in a dat and look like your god on the tables doing a Milli Vanilli ....

oh the days of stacking pennys on the stylus ahhhh the days

the last club gig i played out i guess in 02 or 03 i just got sick of the kids wanting nothing but slow ass hiphop crap and the meth heads are just not as fun the coke heads

give me the rolling days of the 90s back damnit they were fun



WE CAME TO ROCK YOU BUT YOU ONLY WANTED TO ROLL......

and Kevin this is not a slam on you as long as you feel what you do keep on keeping on and never sell out to the MAN (oakenfold )

and i loved the tellephone that rocked

next time we all hook up hit me with a few demos and ill find you some of my stuff

peace out

[customhearse]

I got a question for you.... as a DJ, what is the weirdest dance you've seen to a song that shouldn't have been danced to like that?

When I was driving taxi, I went into a club here in Joplin, and saw people country line dancing to AC/DC "For Those About To Rock".... I can now, no longer listen to that song....

[disPAIN'Sbac]

never had that happen much back in tha day befour the vibe was moved into the "clubs"

underground was the way!!!!

well we can go back to the disco 80s ever play backstreet aka meat factory after 4 am? what a trip that was good thing the booth was way up only the cokehead staff can get to you and all the times i had to say no thanks.....

You are the next generation dj no more lugging tons of wax to a gig
its changing fast cds dats guess thats all old skool with mp3 now.... hell last time i saw sasha and digweed they looked bored lets see how this works load a disk set the time push a button whee

kind of like old skool mechanics they had a ear and knew how to use it..... now days they just plug a computer in and it tells them what to do

funny dat tapes was the first of the fake djs slip in a dat and look like your god on the tables doing a Milli Vanilli ....

oh the days of stacking pennys on the stylus ahhhh the days

the last club gig i played out i guess in 02 or 03 i just got sick of the kids wanting nothing but slow ass hiphop crap and the meth heads are just not as fun the coke heads

give me the rolling days of the 90s back damnit they were fun



WE CAME TO ROCK YOU BUT YOU ONLY WANTED TO ROLL......

and Kevin this is not a slam on you as long as you feel what you do keep on keeping on and never sell out to the MAN (oakenfold )

and i loved the tellephone that rocked

next time we all hook up hit me with a few demos and ill find you some of my stuff

peace out

I just played with George from Backstreet two weeks ago at Swerve. I've got 13 years of spinning bro first 3 was mobile a solid ten in the clubs thats staying booked for ten years. I'm not new generation I evolved with the generation. I STILL carry some wax out to gigs with me. And I didn't know how to use a cd player for a long time I was scared of them, but I had to sink or swim.Now I use serato but the beauty is I can still use turntables with Serato. I've stacked many of penies in my time. Play house and drum and bass at the Mark every Thursday. House at Opera outside tonight and every Saturday and in july I'm opening up for BT. But if i gott play bs at night to not set my alarm in the morning I'm a happy dude.

[disPAIN'Sbac]

I got a question for you.... as a DJ, what is the weirdest dance you've seen to a song that shouldn't have been danced to like that?

When I was driving taxi, I went into a club here in Joplin, and saw people country line dancing to AC/DC "For Those About To Rock".... I can now, no longer listen to that song....

hmm good question, lemme think about that. God the stories I've got over the years, mix alcohol with weekend warriors and stupid people un fuckin real stories.

[HearseHaunter]

Yes those are open portals of hell that make me think of the old Flick Shocker (no not that shocker the movie) as soon as liquid from your drink hits them,...

[Sperry Chick]

When I was driving taxi, I went into a club here in Joplin, and saw people country line dancing to AC/DC "For Those About To Rock".... I can now, no longer listen to that song....

In highschool, I dated a guy who *always* wanted the TV on, even if the radio was on, the TV was on with the mute button pressed.

Every time I hear "Back In Black," I think about seein' Kermit The Frog shakin' and boppin' just like the music was on just for him.