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Oh fuck, I hope no one else has this problem

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  • Oh fuck, I hope no one else has this problem

    Jenny woke up the other day with lines of what looked like mosquito bites all up and down her veins. Her bed was full of bedbugs, vampire bugs that feed on human blood at night.

    Now that so many people are travelling, they are spreading like wildfire, even in 5-star hotels. They like to travel in luggage.

    These things grow in four stages, and the small ones look like they could actually burrrow into your veins. They look like long grain rice. Maybe they can, because there were some spilled pieces of dog food under one of the kitchen cabinets. We used IAMS (the dog is gone now), which probably smelled like meat. I never used that cheap corn dog food that just ends up in your yard. Anyway, they burrowed through every bit of those spilled pieces and turned them to powder, looking for blood. Even though they are vampire bugs, coming out at night to feed, they can live for a year without "feeding".

    I haven't gotten any lines of bumps, perhaps because I am very clean, and Jenny is a pig who throws her clean clothes on the floor with her dirty clothes. She had living bugs and bug shit (like a blood stain, only worse, on her sheets, which she hasn't washed for a year or two). They were all over in her mattress seams too. Mine were clean, but I steamed my mattresses anyway.

    Here are some tips for dealing with them:

    1. Don't fuck around. Make an appointment with an exterminator. These things can lay 300 eggs a day, and live for a year without feeding. This means that the number of bugs you will have is one fuck of an exponent, if you're into math.

    2. If you want to kill one instantly, they are immune to most bug killers. Gumout carb cleaner will kill them instantly, and it looks like they turn them into copper statues. It's a strange effect.

    3.) Surf the net and get every idea you can (until your exterminator can get there). Many pest control companies have online coupons.

    4.) Wear high-top, tight-fitting underwear. They may not be sexy, but neither is having bugs crawl into places where you definitely don't want them, and I have read horror stories that they do. Pajamas and footies too...cover everything up. You can put off sex long enough to get rid of those bugs. Remember that they're attracted to blood, and I don't want to embarass anybody, just remember that.

    5.) Patch any holes or cracks if your house is on concrete.

    6.) Make sure that your bed is on a frame. Coat the legs and wheels with Vaseline, so that they can't climb up, and don't let your bed touch a wall.

    Hope this helps. It's a thousand times worse than finding cockroaches, and something I've never seen in my 20 years in Tucson. The exterminator may have to come back twice, so be sure to "fuck, shit, goddamit, Obama, etc.", and put a dollar in your swear jar each time.

    -denise

  • #2
    We don't need the bed bugs with all the fire ants, ticks and chiggers we have in our yard.
    If we ended up with bed bugs as well it would be time to lift off and nuke the site from orbit.
    The chiggers and ticks are a problem at certain times of the year, but the fire ants are everywhere all the time. I have spread enough poison to kill a herd of elephants and they just keep coming back.
    Why won't they leave me alone?

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    • #3
      Originally posted by LMS View Post
      We don't need the bed bugs with all the fire ants, ticks and chiggers we have in our yard.
      If we ended up with bed bugs as well it would be time to lift off and nuke the site from orbit.
      The chiggers and ticks are a problem at certain times of the year, but the fire ants are everywhere all the time. I have spread enough poison to kill a herd of elephants and they just keep coming back.
      Why won't they leave me alone?
      It's been my experience that even though I hate fire ants they tend to keep the fleas,ticks and chiggers away.

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      • #4
        I've lived with fire ants in Dallas, and I don't like ticks either...I've been in Eastern Oklahoma, the tick capital of the world. I've never seen these critters crawl into bed with anyone and set up light housekeeping, though.

        Indoor bugs really suck (no pun intended). The inside of your house is supposed a place to relax, or work from home if you have to, and I'm afraid to sit down without inspecting my chair. Last night, the fuckers were breeding behind a whiteboard that jenny had leaned against her wall on the floor, and their offspring were coming under the baseboard into the hall. I think I got them all with Gumout. Beware that Gumout leaves white shit on finished wood. I don't know if it scrubs off or not yet.

        -denise

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        • #5
          It's been my experience that even though I hate fire ants they tend to keep the fleas,ticks and chiggers away.
          Our yard is 1.2 acres and has basically 3 sections, the yard-fire ants, the wooded area- ticks, and the low drainage area- chiggers.
          I think I nuked the chiggers well enough to wipe them out...for now. and the ticks are kind of seasonal, but the pesky fire ants just plain suck!
          Every time I wipe out one mound 3 more appear with in days.
          We had a problem earlier this year with ticks getting in the house, either on us or the dogs. That front line stuff only works if the tick bites the dog, they can still hitch a ride.

          I think bed bugs would just be the last straw, and I would have to declare war on the insect world.

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          • #6
            just reading this thread made me itch.

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            • #7
              Originally posted by staynedglass View Post
              just reading this thread made me itch.
              am glad am not the only one LOL

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              • #8
                I feel you on the fire ants. On my street, they just travel from yard to yard. If one person uses poison to get rid of they, they just move on down the street. Don't worry, they will be back.

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                • #9
                  Im not going to bitch about the mosquitoes and box-elders any more.

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                  • #10
                    Greetings from Canada...

                    OK, this is the one time that living in the Great White North has it's advantages..Scary bugs don't venture this far north 'cause they freeze to death..
                    We had a big problem with pine beetles eating our forests but we had several weeks of -30 to -40 C temps last year and killed many of the fuckers...
                    Send your evil insects north and we'll freeze the little bastards for you...

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                    • #11
                      Send your evil insects north and we'll freeze the little bastards for you...
                      Do you have an address, I can send some ants and fleas?

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